Local Man Victim of Drive-By Insult

SIOUX CITY - Teenagers speeding by the mall's east side bus stop in a red '98 Dodge Neon informed legal aid, Nathan "Chunky" Babcock, that he was a "loser" yesterday morning. "I was just waiting for the bus when this car full of teenagers yells something at me," explains Babcock, "I was pretty sure they said 'loser', but I guess it is a possibility they might have said 'hoosier' despite my lack of an Indiana upbringing."

In order to discover a motive for the drive-by insult, Sioux City News reporters bribed DMV officials to receive a listing of all Sioux City 16-18 year olds who drive a red '98 Dodge Neon. Names were then cross-checked with addresses to pinpoint who was most likely responsible.

When asked why he would do such a thing, the unrepentant street punk reported, "He was a loser. Only a loser would take a bus. What is wrong with him, does he not own a car?"

In actually Babcock does own a car and he is taking the bus in order to do his part to fight global warming. "I think we know who the real 'loser' is," cryptically added former vice president and current Sioux City News editor, Al Gore.

Area Dog has Nothing to Say; Barking Anyways

LE MARS – Despite having nothing to add about the conversation currently taking place between owner Mark Klootwick and neighbor Samatha Parker, Scooter the black lab will not stop barking. Parker reports, “Mark and I were having a pleasant conversation about the youth basketball team that our children are both on when Scooter began barking his head off.”

“At first I thought Scooter had something to say about the coach’s unusual decision to employ usage of the zone defense in a 3rd and 4th grade basketball league,” stated Klootwick, “but now I feel like Scooter just wanted to hear himself talk.”

Scooter refused to comment on the incident.

World News Monday: Citizen of Nation You’ve Never Heard of Knows More About US Politics Than You Do

SOMEWHERE IN AFRICA, OR MAYBE EASTERN EUROPE – Mala Dappaggi, a citizen of a country you’ve never heard because the country's rich history began prior to 1776 and the country exists somewhere in the Eastern hemisphere, knows much more about US politics than you do. “United States citizen think they know a lot about the current presidential election because they watch the news. But how many of them have actually looked up the candidate’s policies and read them,” explained Dappaggi, “the policies are readily available on the internet.”

When reporters pressed Dappaggi for more information he simply laughed and said that we would have to look up the policies ourselves. “You do have the internet in America, correct?” taunted Dappaggi.

Internet researchers for the Sioux City News began searching for the policies but were distracted by Bloons Tower Defense III.

Local Man not Good at Guitar, Never Will Be

SIOUX CITY - Local aspiring musician Jack Hobbs is not good at guitar, nor will he ever be report Hobbs' friends.  "Jack has been playing guitar for a few years now, but all he knows how to play is a handful of chords and the C Major scale," reports Steward Walowitz, "every song he knows how to play is a variation on the C, D, G, and E minor chords."

"He told me that he wrote a song for my birthday, but I'm pretty sure it was just 'Round Here' by Counting Crows," said Hobbs' girlfriend Jessica Bardole, "typically it is the thought that counts, but in this case I think I'm probably going to break up with him."

When asked about his ability, Hobbs claimed, "I totally rock man.  One of these days when I hit it big all you all are going to say that you know the Jack Hobbs."

At no point in this reporter's life will he ever tell anyone that he knows "the Jack Hobbs". 

Sioux City College Plays Strange Foot and Ball Type Game

SIOUX CITY - Student athletes at Sioux City College spent close to two hours playing a strange football like game reported many confused onlookers.  Allen Perkins, head football coach at Sioux City College explained, "It was what you would expect football to be if everyone was a kicker.  I would say that I am more perplexed than anything else."

Sioux City College freshman Erin Dawkins told the newspaper that the game was unlike anything she had ever seen before, however it seemed to be very popular with the international students.  "It wasn't really for me," stated Dawkins, "but I suppose that if I had grown up in a country without television I would like watching people kick things around as well."

While the Sioux City College campus has met the game with mild amusement, the reception in the Sioux City community has been much less warm.  "This is exactly what is wrong with America today," stated local woman, Monica White, "a liberal college campus poisoning the minds of young adults with crazy anti-American games.  Americans play sports with their hands, not with their feet."

The game is set to be a major point of discussion during next Monday's city council meeting.  The meeting is open to the public and will begin at 6:00 PM at the City Hall.

Man too tired to get up, use bathroom

SIOUX CITY - Local man Tony Morrison, 33, reported Wednesday morning that he was just to tired to get up and use the bathroom. "I really had to go," reported Morrison, "but the couch was just too comfortable."

Morrison had reportedly drank a 20 ounce Gatorade after finishing off an undisclosed amount of Sprite from a two liter bottle that had been opened Monday evening. Morrison felt a slight urge to use the bathroom before laying down on his couch to watch The Price Is Right. However, before the show had ended Morrison had conflicting interests between falling asleep and going to the bathroom. "I figure that if I just take a quick power nap, I'll have the energy to use the bathroom," explained Morrison seconds before starting a three hour nap.

Morrison's fully developed urinary tract prevented Morrison from urinating while napping, however, this can hardly be considered a high point in the man's life.